Dogs can serve as early warning against zombies

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Dogs are very smart, very intuitive. They know when things are going to happen and will warn you about it, whether you want to be warned or not.

For example, my dogs know when my neighbors come home because they bark like the Gauls are storming the castle.

Dogs can tell you when there’s going to be an earthquake. They know when a storm is coming. And they can tell if someone is not a nice person. According to legend, you can stand behind a dog, look between its ears, and see if there’s a ghost in the room. Which is why I have never done that with my dog.

And now, according to the Zombie Research Society, dogs will be able to warn us when the zombie apocalypse is coming.

Dr. Cameron Carlson of the Zombie Research Society (official motto: “It’s all fun and games until someone slips on an eye”) spoke with the British newspaper, The Daily Star, about how dogs can be an undead early warning system.

This is not surprising at all. Cats, on the other hand, would prefer that we’re dead.

“The one animal that we would see giving us signs about what to do would be dogs,” Carlson said. “Dogs are extremely sensitive to changes in the environment and changes in the physiological state around them. Since we are in contact with dogs so much of the time, any change in any environment is going to set them off.”

That’s why dogs can be trained to sniff out drugs, bombs, diseases or in the case of my dogs, whether a bird has landed in the neighbor’s yard.

According to the Daily Star, plus anyone else who owns a dog, dogs act differently because of “changes in atmospheric pressure and natural phenomena (that) carry distinct odors that dogs would pick up on.”

Even small dogs like chihuahuas and Pomeranians would have a noticeable change in their behavior, which would finally make them good for something. Since they’re some of the yappiest little monsters, the only noticeable change is if they would just shut the hell up.

“Boy, Fitzi sure got quiet all the sudden.”

“I know, that sure is creep—wait, did you say ‘all THE sudden?’”

“Yes, what’s wrong with that?”

“It’s ‘all of A sudden,’ not ‘all the—GAAHH, A ZOMBIE BIT ME!”

“Well, that wouldn’t have happened if you wouldn’t correct me all the—AAHHH, MY NECK!”

As you can see, a dog is a valuable early warning system for zombies, which means you need to pay attention to little changes in your dogs’ behavior, like if they change the way they stand, hold their tail and ears, or tilt their head. Dogs can tell when things are going on, even if they’re not sure what it is, and they’ll let you know.

Not a cat, though. Cats are useless as early warning systems. If they think there’s danger, they sit perfectly still and hope you won’t notice until it’s too late. And they won’t lift a finger to help you if zombies attack. You can also see ghosts if you look through a cat’s ears, though.

Dogs aren’t the only animals with an early warning system. Birds will change their flight patterns if there are changes to the local environment, and they’ll stop singing if there’s something wrong.

Seventeen years ago, I was on a fishing trip to the wilds of Canada. One night, I was going to do a little night fishing and listen to all the night noises — the birds, the insects, the frogs. I went into the cabin, grabbed my fishing pole and went back outside.

To dead silence.

Eerie, deathly, right-before-the-monster-attacks silence.

Everything had stopped. I realized there was probably something big and scary nearby to have shut everything else down like that. I very calmly walked back into the cabin, locked the door, and made sure my hunting knife was within arm’s reach at all times.

Scavengers are a completely different story. Unlike other animals that alert you to danger with their absence, you know things aren’t going well when there are scavengers hanging around.

“Scavengers will go towards an area that’s rich in food,” Carlson said.

Meaning scavengers, like vultures, will flock toward an area if there’s anything that could turn into food for them. Which is why, if vultures are circling overhead when you go out jogging, call someone for a ride home.

Ultimately, Carlson said, dogs are a great early warning system, but they can’t help us prepare for the zombie apocalypse. Only we can do that. I’ve already started by training a large flock of vultures to stand guard over my house.

I don’t know what will happen if I look between their ears, though.

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