Divorced ghost continues to stalk his ex-wife

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Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

I was done. Two columns about a marriage and a divorce, and that’s it. No more. That’s all I ever want to write about a British woman marrying a ghost. I try to make it a hard-and-fast rule about never revisiting a subject more than twice.

That’s how I did it with Amanda Sparrow Large when she married the 300-year-dead Haitian pirate named Jack Teague in 2016, only to divorce him several months later.

I was happy to write about their marriage. And I was happy to write about their divorce less than a year later.

Well, not happy, per se. I mean, no one ever really wants to cheer the end of a marriage.

But I don’t want to make this a regular thing. I don’t want to become a ghost whisperer’s biographer. Unless they pay me.

That’s why I ignored the story when Amanda admitted she married Jack as a publicity stunt.

A publicity stunt? I’m shocked. This is my shocked face.

But that was it: two columns and I was out.

It happened again with the British singer Brocarde, who married a 300-year-dead idiot named Edwardo who had died by falling down a well. (Yes, really.)

That time, I wrote three columns about the courtship, marriage, and “surprising” divorce.

Again, shocked face. I wasn’t really surprised; Edwardo was, and still is, a jerk.

Except now I have to write a fourth story because the stars of So You Think You Can Seance are in the news again.

The 40-year-old Gothic singer wanted to start a ghost-free chapter in her life, but Edwardo hasn’t been letting that happen.

She divorced Edwardo by having a “trained professional” exorcise him in 2023, which was a bad idea. I don’t want a “trained professional” handling something important like an exorcism, a divorce or surgery. I want the actual person — the priest, attorney or surgeon.

When you need someone to perform a critical task, and they say they’re a “trained professional,” it’s usually just some guy who got his degree from YouTube University and printed a diploma out on free clip art software. It’s never a good idea.

After the divorce, Brocarde took a trip to Paris. She was walking in the rain, strolling under her umbrella when she saw the reflection of a French man in a puddle.

“I tilted my umbrella back, but nobody was around,” she told the UK Daily Mail. “I looked back towards the puddle and the man was clear as the ocean.”

I’ve been to the ocean many times, and there’s nothing clear about it. That’s why sharks can sneak up on you.

Brocarde said the mystery man was a ghost named Fabienne who had been a chef. He followed her home, and she was looking forward to a fun fling with Fabienne the French phantom.

Except it never happened.

“He later revealed himself as Edwardo,” Brocarde admitted. “It was a honeytrap all along. I couldn’t believe I’d been catfished by a ghost.”

Once again, shocked face.

Edwardo has continued to harass his ex-wife while she tries to live her life, haunting and pestering her whenever she tries to go on dates with living men.

“There have been occasions where he’s made his presence very known,” Brocarde said in an interview with WhatsTheJam.com. “It’s like he’s taunting me and toying with me.”

She said Edwardo has grabbed her during dates, which made her jumpy, so she tried to act like she was dancing to the music.

“Punching the air is also difficult to explain,” she said, “because it’s not exactly the slickest of dance moves.”

Elaine Benes would beg to differ.

Brocarde said she once went out with a guy who was very spiritual and said he could sense a malevolent presence and smelled a musty soldier’s uniform.

That’s oddly specific. Not a damp horse blanket? It was specifically a soldier’s uniform?

Some guys can’t see beyond Brocarde’s one marriage, and many of them have inappropriate requests. Others think they’re hilarious and show up to their date covered in a sheet.

“I’ve had that a couple of times now, although one was a napkin and not a bedsheet, so he didn’t even go all in!”

Nowadays, Brocarde has become hypersensitive to ghosts and has even become a ghost hunter and communicator.

According to the WhatsTheJam.com story, Brocarde wanted to remain ghost-free, but a medium taught her to harness her gift. So now she talks with the spirits.

“I can often sense the pain, or the anger, or the emotions that make them unrested,” she said.

Despite all the grief Edwardo has put her through, she says he’s the reason she’s able to do all this: “Without him, none of this would be possible.”

But she’s not totally free of him. He’s still around, watching her.

“I see Edwardo sometimes, from a distance. He looks back at me and smiles, which is funny because he used to have a harrowed sad expression,” she said. “I feel like he’s looking out for me from afar.”

He’s not looking out for you, he’s stalking you. You need to get a proper exorcist this time, and not just some dude who was ordained on the Internet. Get rid of Edwardo for good, because I don’t have it in me to write a fifth column.